Transparency. It’s an easy word to say. It’s a hard word to live. One of the greatest threats to Christianity in general, and to marriage in particular, is the hypocrisy that comes from pretending one thing when we know something else is true. Transparency and integrity are opposites of hypocrisy. Admitting the truth about our lives, our motivations, our sins, and our victories, begins the endless process of sanctification—being made holy, step by step.
Laura and I have been married for 28 years. The quest for transparency is a theme of our marriage.
Some years ago we lived in a different city and were part of a small group Bible study with several other couples from that church. We did our best to be honest about our joys and struggles, and presumed the same from the other couples. We were therefore stunned to learn several years later that one of the couples had split, and that they had been privately dealing with an issue of infidelity all during the time we had been meeting together. Rather than share the issue and allow us to pray and assist, they had chosen to wear the mask of marital perfection, preferring pride to humility. This revelation frustrated and angered us. Life is too short to play games with each other. Isn’t this real life we’re living? Isn’t our faith about real life? Doesn’t Jesus Christ know the truth about us anyway? Doesn’t a relationship with Christ mean forgiveness, openness, and real power for real living? Because of this experience, Laura and I committed ourselves to being transparent and modeling transparency to others whenever we are in relationships and small groups seeking spiritual maturity.
Are Laura and I perfect in our transparency? No. We still suffer from pride. We would prefer that people believe our marriage to be flawless and unchallenged. We need grace to model humility and transparency to friends, even to our daughters…especially to our daughters.
Transparency can require discretion. Telling the truth is important, but sharing sensitive struggles and challenges may require one or a few confidential partners willing to provide accountability and loving perspective. We have found that such partners need not even be in our own church fellowship. It can be freeing to share struggles with a loving friend or advisor or mentor who is far removed from our situation. Their prayers and counsel can make transparency possible even in the most challenging matters.
So let us be the kind of church that encourages honesty in all things. Let our marriages model this kind of transparency, through God’s grace.
Reprinted from Autumn Ridge Church Ridgelines, summer, 2011
